What now. You are no longer the girl posting on Facebook a paragraph about your “best friend who makes life worth living.” Your Spotify playlist changes from “Young Love” to “Missing you” overnight. You’re the small town girl who swore she’d be married at 22 and popping out babies by 25. Oh how wrong you were.

That moment when something, someone, somewhere decides you aren’t meant for that stereotypical life you hoped you’d have. Oh no. Life wants you to go through WAY more before it gives you the real love you will have and hold. You have to work for it, as they say. I believe that’s why we go through a variety of loves to test us to make sure we are truly ready for the right one.

I present to you the four loves you need to experience in your life:

#1 – The First Love.

Whoa. What is this feeling. Anyone can wear a flannel and drive a big truck but when you do I can’t even breathe. I have never experienced anything that feels the same way it felt when you held my hand as I sat shot gun with you driving around that small town. It’s awkward to even think about that smile that stayed on my face for days after we met. I was so nervous and hesitant when it came to guys, but I knew I wanted to be yours. I wanted it all. I gained a whole other life. I gained a new lifestyle, new friends, and a second family. I found myself planning my life with you, in that town, with those friends, with that family. I was 18 and in college in a city over an hour from you, but I wanted us. And I was convinced I would have given everything for that life. I hate sounding naive, but let’s be honest… I was extremely naive. But what can you expect from someone who was your first everything?

What happens with First Love is you have never experienced hurt to know how to handle the hard times. In my case, First Love gives me a reason to not trust him. Trust? It comes so naturally because you have never given yourself an opportunity to get hurt. But oh you get hurt. You get hurt bad. But you’re new to love. You don’t know how to handle the pain that you never could let go of anything. From the staying silent and letting the hurt build inside, to the drunken phone calls at 3 a.m. It was not healthy. Who did you become? I spent the summer after my freshman year of college, the supposedly best year of my life, ending a relationship that I built my life around. I hadn’t experienced enough to know that there is life beyond First Love. What now?

I enter my sophomore year of college a brand new woman. Time to regain those memories that I gave up for First Love that broke my heart. Time to focus on my family and friends, because those are loves that will never leave me. They held my hand as I went through my first break up, and they showed me how to laugh again. To have fun again. And I did it right. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun. I believe the key to moving on is to stay busy. I got really involved on campus. And that’s how I met…

#2 – The One That Got Away

Holy shit. Who is that tall, dark, handsome, hairy, obnoxious man in front of me? I didn’t even think people like you existed. I didn’t know I had a type until I found myself never taking my eyes off of you. A human being has never made me laugh as much as you did. I can honestly say to this day that every single time I saw you I felt a happiness that I can’t explain. Who is my first love again? I fell hard. We fell hard. It was so real. I was my complete self with you. You embraced my small town life. Nothing made me happier than bringing you home and having my family love you. You were my city boy who showed me a whole other side of life. As much as I claimed it wasn’t for me, you put opportunities in front me of that helped make me who I am today.

The One That Got Away is a breath of fresh air. You find yourself again. You laugh again. You find another family and friend group who you absolutely are obsessed with. They take you in and you are forever grateful. They are perfect. He is perfect. This is the life you want.

But life decides you aren’t ready to have it all. After almost two years, life decides you need to go through something you could never imagine. You need to lose the love that mattered most to you in life. Somehow it ends. In my case, one little lie on his part led me overreacting and ending things without realizing I was losing what meant most to me. And then it was too late. I lost the love I loved the most. I lost myself. You see… when things end with The One That Got Away, it honestly feels like a death. A huge part of me died. Our love died. My drive and goals and everything I had going for me in life.. just didn’t matter.

You’re the girl that claims she’s strong and can get through anything. I mean come on.. you made it through First Love. But you became the girl who lies in bed for almost 2 weeks, skipping school and work, not eating, not doing anything. Because anything you do reminds you of him. And life without him suddenly just didn’t matter.

It’s a Friday morning and you wake up. You start laughing at how pathetic you are. What good does lying in bed, sulking about life do? It’s all out of your control. You may be numb, but you go with it. You might not accept what happened, and you still might not accept what happened, but after many motivational messages from friends, family, pinterest quotes, and substantial amounts of wine, you realize you have just one life to live. It’s time to make the best of it.

You go out. You have fun. You’re 20 pounds lighter and go blonde. I don’t know about you but I was definitely feeling 22 (sorry – had to). You flirt so much you name boys in your phone after bars. And that’s how you meet…

#3 – The Ugly Love

Oh the boys you meet at bars. If only I had went to Mass that night instead.

You are the babe. The reason my mom now tells me to go for the “ugly ones”. I ran into you just two months after The One That Got Away destroyed my heart. The perfect rebound.

You were the boy that was a challenge. You were mysterious (2015’s version of sketchy). Off the bat it was messy, it was rocky, but it kept me on my toes and kept my mind off of The One That Got Away (does he ever go away?). You were fun. Hell, you introduced me to Sunday Fundays. I went on my first airplane ride with you. I went into my official adulthood with you by my side, helping me through. Because as much as I want to hate, you were extremely driven.

But you were the bad boy. You lied. All the time. I realized early that we did not have the same values in life. I love family and you barely had anything to do with yours. You cared so much about appearance and material things, and I never saw the point in them. You hid me, when I wanted to show you to the world. A girl who lost pieces of her heart now has to somehow trust a guy who gives her no reason to trust him at all. Out of the 15 months we dated, we were probably broken up every other weekend. I had never experienced fights like we had. It was ugly love. Who am I? Who have I become?

You see, the Ugly Love keeps your mind off The One That Got Away. You want him to fill those holes in your heart and replace that hurt. And you think he does. Because after another drunken night of fighting, he says he loves you more than he has ever loved anything in his life. He needed you. And with his drunken tears… it’s promising. But the Ugly Love teaches you an entire different lesson that you never expected to experience in your life.

Ugly Love knows how to fight. Ugly Love can make you reach places you never thought you’d reach. Ugly Love makes you become a person you never thought you could be. While dating Ugly Love I somehow graduated with two degrees, landed my full-time dream job, and started my Masters..but Ugly Love doesn’t think that’s good enough. You’re never good enough for Ugly Love. When you fight, Ugly Love tells you that you’re not attractive, that no one likes you, and that he’s way too good for you. That you’ll never find someone else like him if you leave him (which you had tried to do many times). You start to believe Ugly Love. Ugly Love makes it possible to actually love and hate someone at the same time. Ugly Love put me through absolute hell. And I called it love.

The moment you start playing Ugly Love’s games and he realizes his words no longer affect you..the Ugly in Ugly Love truly shines. I’ll never forget the first time he grabbed my feet and drug me from his bed. To the floor. Through the door. He wanted me to leave and oh… I left. He called me ten minutes later to ask if I actually left him. That’s Ugly Love.

Why do you stay? You stay because you have been through two great relationships and you don’t want another one to fail. You want something to work for you. You have made him out to be some great guy to your family and friends. You’re not ready to have your grandma ask you at thanksgiving, “Where’s (Ugly Love)?”  You just want that happy ending that everyone around you seems to have. Why can’t it be you?

Because you’re STILL not ready. Life decides you need Ugly Love to finally grow some balls and stick up for yourself. And teach you that someone who can treat a woman like that is clearly not a real man. Ugly Love was a combination of the worst and best thing to happen to you.. because now you will NEVER settle for something less than you deserve. You’d rather be picky and single than settle again for someone to fill the place of another man. You’re scared to settle again. You won’t settle again. Because you believe in…

#4 The One.

Now clearly I can’t give my own personal opinion of my own The One, because I have yet to meet him, but I truly believe in him. Yes, after all my different variations of love, I am not bitter. I still believe he will come. He will come when I am ready for him. Each and every heart break I have gone through only gets me closer to him. Surprisingly, we need these heartbreaks. They teach us more about ourselves than any romantic blog, novel, song, or movie can teach us.

I’m sorry to the guys who have tried dating me after all three loves I have gone through. I’m trying. All I can do is stay open minded. I can only be honest. I’m scared. I’m scared to settle. I’m scared to get hurt. That’s what happens to a girl who’s been through these different types of love. Since Ugly Love I’ve dated some of the most incredible guys. I continue to date some of the most incredible guys. They are out there. Going through these different relationships makes you super hesitant to get into another relationship, but I do not think that is a bad thing whatsoever. It’s one of my favorite things about myself. All I can do now is be thankful..

Thank you #1 – The First Love for introducing me to feelings I have never felt before. Thank you for introducing me to the moment you realize you would give anything for anyone.. and that’s okay. Thank you for introducing me to country music, because after making fun of it I’m now obsessed. Thank you for my first heartbreak.. because I would be way too immature if I went on in life without it.

Thank you #2 – The One That Got Away. Just thank you. For everything. I hope one day to meet another you. Thank you for teaching me that overreacting over petty things is never worth it.  Thank you for teaching me acceptance. Because sometimes that’s just how you have to get on in life. I may still think of you, I may still hurt, but I know The One will eventually take it all away.

Thank you #3 – Ugly Love for teaching me to NEVER settle for less than I deserve. Thank you for teaching me to stick up for myself. Thank you for teaching me that not only emotional abuse but physical abuse is never right. And it’s not worth it. I honestly only wish the best for you. I realize now that you had Ugly Love in you way before you met me, and I hope that hurt can escape you. Thank you for making me the strongest version of myself.

Thank you #4 – The One.. just in advance as we’re on the topic. Because I know it’ll happen. When I’m ready. When you’re ready. When it’s time.